Thursday, October 4, 2007
WORRY
I don't worry. I just don't. Even in Youth Ministry when I am in charge of a bunch of teenagers going away on a weekend trip, I rarely worry. I guess I forgot what worry feels like. I'm not saying its good or bad to worry - but I have never experienced worry in my life as I have these last few nights.
When Amalea was born, they took her away from Robin and I for the first few moments because there was some issues with her. I can't explain to you what it felt like in those moments as Robin and I both pleaded with God to let our little one be ok. I'm not one to believe that God does what we say all the time, as if prayer was some way of controlling God (like magic spells) - but I found myself nonetheless pleading for what I wanted; for Amalea to live. Turned out she was fine, she just didn't start crying right away, and they had to take her to the ICU to get an IV and some shots... but in those short moments, I found worry.
Over the last few nights, Amalea has had some normal baby issues of spitting up, coughing, fussing, and twitching. With all this talk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) it is so hard to put Amalea in her bassinet and just let her sleep. I found that I can not sleep, every inch of my nerves are on full alert listening and responding to every sound and movement she makes. I want to sleep - but my mind won't let me go unconscious. How can I leave consciousness? Who will help Amalea if she starts choking on her spit up? What if she stops breathing?
See. Worry.
Today we had our first meeting with Amalea's pediatrician, and she was able to relieve a lot of my worries by just reassuring me that spitting up, twitching, being fussy - this is all normal. I just have to trust that babies have survived for centuries, many with much worse parents then Robin and I, and I can do my best to be there - but need not worry so much.
There are just so many unknowns that I am left anxious all night. But I need to sleep... so I will try tonight to trust that Amalea will be ok.
- Jim
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3 comments:
I can't count the times I've gone to you with my worry. Worries for Noah, worries for Logan and worries for Jonah. Sometimes we just need to be heard. When we speak to our friends and family about our worries, they can offer hugs, words of encouragement, good advise and even open arms to hold little miss Amalea while you take a nap! When I pray, I must trust that I'm being heard. God doesn't always answer or comfort out loud. The worry, for me, never goes away. I think worry comes in the "parent" package. It may be Gods way of keeping us focused on raising our children "in the ways of the Lord." Every second counts. It goes by so very fast. I miss my Noah and my Logan so much it hurts. Just love her. Hold her. Kiss her and squeeze her. And sleep. I have open arms if you need them!
I still check on Maizie at random times just so that I can go to sleep peacefully. We are so joyful for you that Amalea is here. She is just so beautiful and those eyes! Kiss that baby for us!
God tells us not to worry, yet there are times when we just seem to do it anyway. I worry for Maddy constantley. Worry for her safety in this big strange world, where I feel like I know so much and yet she knows only the innocence of being a little girl. And I find myself already worrying about Isabella and she isn't even here yet. But, I know that God holds my girls in his hands and knows the very best for them, just like he does for Amalea. Every minute counts. All you can do is love her and I know you and Robin totally do.
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